Capturing Happiness

To Capture the Sun

Open arms

upturned face

Rays of light

Absorb

Embrace

One of the shortest poems I've written. I can see the picture in my mind. My face towards the sky, eyes closed, arms spread open as far as they can reach, like I'm ready for a big hug, feeling the warmth from the sun from my head to my toes. A person, or a plant, or a flower. All of these needing the presence of the sun to live.  Also a metaphor for being open to receiving many positive things. Hope. Happiness. Love. 

I need those things, and I need joy. I won't let myself be overcome by anger or sadness. I allow myself to feel those things when they arise, but I let them go. Released, usually, in the form of poetry and tears, and sometimes, by busting out my boxing gloves and punching. I won't allow anger or sadness to fester inside of me, changing who I am.

I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. So what can I provide for myself that makes me happy, after the necessities of food, water, and a safe and cozy home? The most important, is self care. Taking care of my body and mind through meditation, yoga, going for walks, and a balanced diet with the occasional "cheat meal," all improve my mood with the bonus of keeping my physique sleek and strong.

Next, is having healthy relationships. This means honesty, boundaries, respect, understanding, and a healthy dose of sense of humor. 

Most importantly, is laughter. Whether it's a giggle, or full on wheezing/snorting/crying laughter, it's a double whammy of happiness for my mind and my body. 

Happiness doesn't have to be elusive or complicated. It really can be as simple as opening your arms to the warmth of the sun, or to the warmth of your own love for yourself. 

Meditations on Meditation

 Silence

a soft quiet

Solitude

not loneliness

Freedom

Air

Breath of Relief

I started meditating using an app called Headspace. One of the YouTubers I follow tried it out, and he gave it a positive review. I've been working on the basic course. I started with 3 minute meditations, then 5 minute meditations, and am now at 10 minutes. 

“Meditation is the ultimate mobile device; you can use it anywhere, anytime, unobtrusively.” – Sharon Salzberg

Immediately I felt the difference in my body and mind. My mind used to be in a state of thinking of something at all times. Whether it was a song in my head, or thoughts about everything happening in the world, in our Country, in our communities, and families, there was always something on my mind. 

I'm learning to allow myself to take a break from those thoughts. To acknowledge them, but not let myself become trapped in them. Listening to myself breathe centers me, and allows me to free myself from worry and anxiety...until I'm triggered. But the triggers are fewer are farther between.  

I've noticed that I'm triggered when I'm afraid. I immediately think of the worst case scenario. It would be interesting to look at my Fitbit report on a day when I experience something that makes me act this way to see how my heart rate changes. I can feel my heart rate get faster. My face begins to flush. And I can feel the emotion on my face and hear it in my voice. Sometimes, I can feel anger starting to jump in on the emotional rollercoaster. I'm trying to remind myself to change my thinking. To act out of love instead of fear. Whether that love is for myself, another person, or just in general. I'm training myself to ask myself the question, "Am I filled with fear right now, or love?

Not Jane the Virgin

"You go girl, Jane the Virgin." 

That was the review left in 2018, along with 5 stars for my book of poetry, "I Bite Into the Apple." Yes, I haven't checked the reviews in years, so I just discovered this a couple of weeks ago. I share a name with the below award-winning actress named Gina Rodriguez who starred in a T.V. series called, "Jane the Virgin." 

When I self-published my book in 2005, I thought my second book would be out by 2010. I was on fire! Poetry readings, book sales, open mics. Here we are, 15 years later, and it's not out...yet. But it will happen. 

This next photo is of me from this year.

The past several years I've been focusing on my day job, which isn't Poetry. You know that saying about finding a job doing something you like means you'll never "work" a day in your life? It doesn't apply to me. I love my job, but I work my butt off! I'm thankful to still have a job during this pandemic. 

Even though Poetry isn't my "job," I wouldn't describe it as a Hobby either. Being a poet is part of who I am, and has been since I wrote my first poem when I was 5 years old.  The next photo is from my 4th birthday, close enough!

So, although I've neglected this blog for about 6 years, I haven't stopped writing. Other than things like eating, drinking, and breathing, I can't think of anything else, besides writing poetry and eating cake, that I do today that I've been doing since I was 5 years old.

Falling Into Grace

We tried not to do it

to give in to temptation

and save our souls again

But when your face was close to mine

We forgot who we were we forgot the time

all I knew

was that I wanted you

I pressed my lips upon your own

My mind said no this can't go on

But my lips

well

they've got a mind of their own

I touched your hair

I kissed your neck

I could feel you pressed against my chest

as your strong hands caressed my back

The sweet sweet smell of you long long hair

I let my mouth and hands do what they dare

because I wanted to feast

like it was the last time

My brain just spun inside my head

My poor lost mind was surely dead

My body had become yours

You played me soft

You played me hard

you strummed a passionate rhythm

against my heart

Oh yes

it was the first time

Whatever You Want

"Whatever you want,"

That's what you said to me

But whatever I want

You won't let be

You feign indifference

to mask lonely insecurity

And feed this fire

when you taunt me

"Whatever you want,"

That's just another lie

But whatever I want

I can't let the desire die

I fake a calm

let anger and pain hide

No one hears my screaming

on this roller coaster ride

"Whatever you want,"

That really is the key

To breaking the chains

I've attached from you to me

And whatever I want

becomes something new

I want to be free

from the memory of you.

Love Gone Cold

I used to love the way you are
But I don't anymore
I used to miss you after an hour
But now you're just a chore
You used to make me happy
Now you make me bored
You used to kiss me with magic
Now we never kiss anymore

And I used to be able to see a future
filled with flashes of your face
Now all I see is uncertainty
your face, replaced and erased

Oh I thought I thought I thought
But rather I only dreamed
I didn't think about the way you are
Only the way you seemed

Little Volcano

They used to tell me to
Look out for the quiet ones
I would widen my eyes and nod my
head in agreement
Little actress
that I was
I knew it was true
because I was a quiet one
No, not on the surface.
A hearty laugh
and a quick tongue
covered the truth.
Only I knew better.
Only I knew what
boiled and gurgled and burped
beneath the sweet smile
Look out for the quiet ones
One day they eventually
will explode